A New Attitude and Some Coffee

Yesterday I went to the Baby Home with new ideas and caffeine in my body. I was just stupid to think that I did not want to drink coffee the day I met this child. In Russia bathrooms are not easy to find and alot of times you really don't want to find them especially at a baby home. After that first meeting I knew I had to have caffeine, no matter the consequences. Yesterday morning I woke up (still really waking in the middle of the night) and I decided I needed to be the boss of the situation when I met her again. If there is a possibility of her being my child she also would need to see who she is dealing with. If there is one thing that I know, it is that I am the boss. I decided I would show her that. I have experienced many times in the last four years of motherhood the experience of being flattened by the Jillian train. You look up and go what the heck just happened. I would say I do not react quickly in the moment, but I do gather myself and catch up. Yesterday was catch up for me.

When she came in the room she was not as wild (maybe she saw that take charge look in my eye). I got the cheerio book out ( her new favorite thing) and the cheerios and she started stuffing handfuls in her mouth immediately. I took the bag away and said no. I read her the page and made her put the cheerios in the place where they go. Every minute or so she would steal a couple and put them in her mouth. I closed the book and put the cheerios away in my bag. She looked at me like I was the meanest person on the planet. I think she was knocked over with a feather. She just looked at me. I told her I would get it out again but we were going to do it correctly. She was all for that. She would fill them in this time just looking for the go ahead at the end of each page to devour them. After we got through the book about five or six times she had it down. Then I gave her the rest of the baggy and let her devour them. She has quite the appetite. We played with bubbles for a while and then I started to ask her to do the things that the Doctors wanted me to see if she could do. I had to get on to her a couple of times, but she did them. She could do everything but count. It was raining so we did not get to go outside again. We played with all of the activitiy books I brought, but she really wanted to play ball. She wanted the squishy ball I brought her the day before but she had killed that ball the day before. She would tell me to back up before she threw it. That is what I told her yesterday. Her favorite thing to do was to run hard at me, get right to me and jump high in the air, and land on my legs. After about two times I would catch her and hug her and tickle her. She thought that was great.

The baby home doctor came in and told me about her. She is the controller in her group. I asked if she was sweet to the other children and the doctor said yes, they do whatever she says. She said she has a lot of energy (no kidding) and needs exercise and activities. It was a much better day. When it was time to leave she walked me into her group holding my hand. She hugged me and ran to eat lunch. The care givers are very friendly and nice and laugh alot. I think the ones I met really seem to care about the children.

I left feeling good about my time with her. I know how to be the boss. I thought many times about this child's personality over the last two years. I thought God would never think of giving me two children so full of themselves. No, He would not do that to me. I think He has been having a very good laugh these last two days. I think He might have given me Jillian as a warm up. I don't know. I think about how much I love Jillian. I cannot imagine loving anyone as much as I love her. How is that possible? How do you not go through everyday comparing one to the other. I guess I wonder too if Jillian will love me the same. It seem alot of people do it. My mother told me today that there is definitely a special love you have for your first born. I told her remember you are talking to the baby. I have always felt completely loved so I guess it is just different.

It is time to drink coffee now and put my thinking cap on so I can be the boss again today. Please pray for God's will and wisdom for me.